Butterfly Kisses

So, as I near my 3rd Trimester, I'm very pleased to say that Jackson has been moving around quite a bit in utero. I find it comforting. Since I can't get an ultrasound every day (nor can I install a door in my belly that allows me to check on things), those kicks and flips let me know that at the very least he's still viable. When I'm up and about he's not doing much. He gets going when I've been sitting still for awhile. Someone told me that my walking rocks him to sleep. (I did NOT hear this from my Dr., so don't take this as a cold, hard fact.) I guess when I'm sitting down he's like Hey, get the hell up and do something! I wanna sleep!

I was told that when I first felt the baby move, it would be a "flutter." I guess I missed that stage, or it's been incorrectly described. The first movements I felt were either like someone poking me with their finger, (but from the inside) or an odd twisting of my innards that is reminiscent of the feeling you get after eating bad Mexican food and right before you realize you're about to spend some time on the potty. Though I suppose neither of those descriptions aren't what the cutesy Mommy-and-Me website are looking for.... so they can stick with "flutter."

These days he's really going at it. It's like a Tae Bo class in there sometimes. Now I would describe it as being what the earth must have felt like when those giant worms were rumbling around in "Tremors." Or what it's like right before the alien/infestation pops our of your body in those sci-fi films. And I hear it'll just get more intense as the weeks go on. I can't wait! Now and then I see my stomach pop or jerk. It's gonna rock when he's bigger and really moving around. It is so cool in a creepy kind of way.

Gestating Bruce Banner

Everyone from the in-laws to co-workers have been telling my husband to watch out. It seems that at any minute I'm going to turn into an emotional wreck, blubbering like my baby-to-be over nothing at all. Well, Art has nothing to fear there. He's been living with my one-step-from-crazy mood swings for years. For the record: I've always cried at the drop of a hat.

Now it seems that my hormonal tides are shifting. But woe to all who are around, because they are not pulling me into a fit of weeping. I suddenly find myself submerged by a wave of anger.

My poor, poor students. I feel so bad. I'm snapping at them and am being so harsh in unprecedented ways. I'm usually very kind and patient with my little lambs; but now one word or action, that I would have normally brushed under the rug, sends me over the edge. Today I literally lifted a student off his feet and dragged him out into the hall. (And this poor boy has NEVER been a problem for me in the past! I just snapped! Dear God, I actually understand that phrase now and can say with assurance that I've never snapped before. I'm losing control!)

Well, hopefully in March when I give birth my Incredible Hulk (whose crazy spliced DNA is obviously leaking into my system) I'll stop turning green and throwing cars through walls and just go back to being my usual, easy going self.

Wow.... I just hope he doesn't tear his way out like the vampire-baby in Twilight. Ouch.

Heliocentrism

I am sad to report that the center of the universe has NOT shifted.... to revolve around me that is. I am not surprised. I mean, whenever I saw a prego chic before this I just assumed that, (planned or unplanned), she got herself into this mess, so she better learn to deal. Now that the proverbial shoe is on the proverbial other foot, I feel more sympathy for those in a delicate condition.

Why do I still have to work? Why am I not being paid to stay home and simply be? Why do I still have to walk up stairs? Why do I have to pay for things? Why do I have to wait in line? Why have the seas not parted in front of me?!?!?! I am filled with righteous indignation about the lack of pampering I am receiving from the universe in general! I long for the days of yore when the genteel went to the country manor for their confinement period. Confined? If that's what being waited on hand and foot is considered, confine me away!

This is just the latest in a series of life events that does not live up to egocentric expectations. Everyone knows what I mean. Certain days are supposed to be all about ME, ME, ME. Yet each one turns out to be a disappointment. Birthdays are the first let down, they never go as planned. Graduation Day is also a disappointment, you're just one of hundreds doing something billions have done before. Girls know that this downward spiral quickly cycles through engagements, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, and finally to the Wedding Day. (Yeah, it's nice- but it's not the treated-like-a-princess.... No, treated-like-a-divine-Empress experience you're hoping for.)

Now that I've hit the last milestone, (save for death perhaps), I've come to realize that nothing will ever be all about ME, ME, ME. SIGH. No wait, I'm still in denial. There is still hope. I'm going to get bigger and bigger. Perhaps those last few weeks of misery will be brightened by a shift in the cosmos creating a me-centric universe. Finally.

Woe is me!

I take it back! I take it back! I take it all back!

For years I have sat on my proverbial high horse, looking down my nose at the "weak," "petulant" and "whiny ass bitches" who moan and groan through their pregnancies. Now karma has come to slap me in the face! All I can say is Have mercy on me, for I knew not of what I spoke!

Gentle reader, I will not burden you with an account of my many ailments, though they are numerous, for I would not wish to subject delicate souls to such gruesome musings. I shall only quote Mrs. Bennet and say "... that I am frightened out of my wits and have such tremblings, such flutterings, all over me, such spasms in my side and pains in my head, and such beatings at my heart, that I can get no rest by night nor by day."

Side note: there is NO WAY a character such as Mrs. Bennet could have carried and birthed 5 children! It would have been too much to bear. That, or it would have been too much for Mr. Bennet to bear!

How can women do this multiple times? Obviously, they do it the first time because they don't know any better. Right now I'd have to hypothesize that A) a toxin is released after labor that causes amnesia. B) Humans are incapable of learning from their mistakes. or C) Raising a child is such a wonderful experience that it makes it all worthwhile. Right now..... I'm guessing B.