What is all this crap?

I guess the point of this blog is to be honest. (And ammunition for my kid to use against me when he grows up......) If the latter is the case, here comes some serious time in therapy:

I've started baby shopping. I'm hitting the consignment and retail stores. Some friends have hooked me up with some awesome baby gear. Now I'm staring at the baby swing sitting in my living room and and thinking WTF was I thinking?!?!?! In about 5 months there is going to be an actual baby sitting in that swing. I think I've just now realized that this baby isn't just paying a visit; he's gonna be here to stay- FOREVER. Again: WTF was I thinking?!?!?!?!

The fear started creeping in last week when we had a baby shower for Stephanie. It was a post-natal event, so she brought little Emerson with her. Now it's been a hot minute since I've been around an infant; I'd been picturing a chubby Gerber Baby crawling around here. But I've since realized that babies are very breakable. My kid's head is going to fall off!

Then Allison sent me an email with "helpful" tips for getting ready for the birth. Now, if by helpful they meant "scare you shitless" then consider me helped. I've purposefully kept away from the What to Expect When You're Expecting type books.

Here is what I expect: 1) I will feel discomfort in varying degrees. 2) Weird things are happening in my body.

That's all I need to know. I don't want to read crazy could-bes. I left Abnormal Psych convinced I had several serious mental disorders. The last thing I need is to self-diagnose an inverted uterus or something. But this so-called "helpful" tip sheet brought up all sorts of horrors about pain, and sweating, and discomfort on the extreme side of the spectrum. I don't want to do any of that.

Do you know what I like to do? Sleep. Travel. Read. Shop. It is important to note that none of these activities involve pain, poo, or being tied to the house. You may have also noted that a baby will severely limit the time I can spend doing my favorite things. Again: WTF was I thinking?!?!?!

So, I'm in limbo. I'm almost in denial. I'm buying and collecting practical things. It's like I'm preparing for battle. Or for one of those end-of-civilization-as-we-know-it scenarios. All those cutesy baby clothes I couldn't wait to get my hands on don't seem cute enough anymore. Bedding is outrageously expensive. Setting up this room is going to be an expensive pain in the ass! I don't want to plan my shower. I want a pause button. Wasn't there some sci-fi show where the aliens could stay pregnant for as long as they wanted? How do I sign up for that?